Posts Tagged ‘fear’

When Nobody ‘Cares’

July 19, 2016

I’m afraid this blog has been about as erratic and undependable as my attempts at keeping a journal. I guess it’s because so much of my life has been ‘outside the box’ and – well, let’s face it: scary! – that I don’t even journal about it because it’s not all sweetness and light, the way ‘good’ people live life…

Yada, yada, yada. My self-talk can sometimes get pretty gloomy. The fact is, I mistook people ‘not caring’ with THE THINGS most people don’t ‘care’ about. –So, while I lived my life on the basis that it didn’t matter, because nobody CARED, I still couldn’t help observing the people who were living their lives as though EVERYONE cared, but in a negative, judgmental way!

I’ve come to accept that most people are at least a little bit like me. For instance, if I see that you are otherwise clean and well-groomed, but out in the daylight (which you probably didn’t benefit from when you dressed this morning), it can be seen that you are wearing a black sock, while the other is a very dark blue, –I may get a smile and a chuckle out of it, or even comment that if you’re going to buy such similar colors of socks, it might behoove you to be sure they have distinguishing characteristics (high cuffs, deep patterns, nylon instead of cotton, etc…)

I know people that would freak out and go into a three-hour tirade about it – whether they even KNEW the person or not!

Lonely and scary as it was, I mostly loved my life, and more so when I could avoid those poor, unfulfilled souls who had so little life themselves that they had time to try to ruin everyone else’s. They failed to meet their own standards, so most of their lives were spent either pointing fingers or covering up. The ‘box’ gets smaller and smaller…

I almost died, last year. In fact, the brush with death was so close that I now feel that I have a debt of wasted time to repay. My renewed passion for the writing I failed to complete is part of that, I’m sure. The other part is that I feel a need to reach out to others like I was, feeling so alone and despised. Because I do believe that most people are at least a little bit like me: They (I) DO care! –Maybe not in the ways I would have preferred, and maybe not the people I had expected and deserved to be care for by – but, most other people DO care. –And, after some of the dust has settled, even a few of the people who SHOULD have been there, have come around.

Even so, we are all busy surviving and (hopefully) running our own lives and testing the limits of our boxes. For some of us, caring about someone outside our boxes is very scary stuff, indeed! But, I believe that on some level, we are all concerned with the other members of our race and our survival on the planet.

As I get older, there are more and more deaths among those I care about. About every twenty years, a situation arises that forces me to re-think and re-ponder parts of my life I would prefer to keep hidden in the darkest places of my mind and heart. It started in 1975/76. I rocked the boat again, in 1995/96, and lost the hearing in my right ear, probably to a massive infection, since the other possibility (stroke) has been ruled out. I almost died, last year, 2015.

My next post deals with the rest of that…

Myrna Throckmorton

(Head Warmonger, Vampire Wars)